Nurturing Connections Through Mindful Moments

Nurturing Connections Through Mindful Moments

At a time where there is uncertainty, questions, concerns, and stressors it can be particularly difficult to embrace the moment and be present. We may find that our mind jumps into predicting the future and worrying about what could happen next. Although there is always room for planning and problem-solving for the future, it is also important to pause from this line of thinking, and bring our mind back into the moment. The present moment is where we live our life, it is here that we can actively nurture relationships while being in tune with our own needs. 

When we are present we can observe, listen, empathize, reflect, and engage in relationships to a degree that has a powerful impact on nurturing and growing connections. I’m sure most of us have experienced talking to someone who is very engaged in what we are discussing versus someone that seemed as though they were not listening at all. What is the difference in connection felt? What is the difference in emotions felt?

You may have heard of the term mindfulness, and that is essentially what I am speaking about when I discuss being present. Are there certain distractions that consistently take you away from being present within your relationships? For some it may be the television, phone, news, or social media. An individual may find themselves falling into continuous thoughts about the past or future, or frequently using technology to distract from life. In these cases one may begin to notice a negative impact on mental health as well as their relationships. Finding the right balance is key.

When working towards this balance, a helpful strategy can be to zone into your five senses. What do you see, hear, taste, smell, feel (tactile)? Zoning into external stimuli forces the mind into the present moment, and with practise can increase the habit of naturally being mindful. When it comes to relationships, zoning into your senses could mean active listening, or simply noticing the soft texture of your child’s hair as you play with it. Perhaps you take note of the giggles you hear and the wind on your face as you push your child on the swing. Maybe you notice a sadness on your child or teens face that you did not take note of before. Although the present moment may not always be a positive experience, through being present, you are able to address concerns and embrace beautiful moments. This in turn may alter emotions and stress levels while nurturing relationships.

Written by:

Stacey Boe, M.A., R.C.C.

Working Through a Childs Struggle By Embracing Their Identity

Working Through a Childs Struggle By Embracing Their Identity

Our use of language and the stories we use to describe our children shape the way we think and act towards them (Marsten, Epston, & Markham, 2016). The way a child views themselves is then significantly impacted by our stories and actions. For example, when we hear about a child who is athletic, easy-going, or advanced we may interact with them in a certain way. Through these interactions and the language we use, the child will begin to build stories and gather information about who they are. 

Certain descriptors or stories, such as the slow learner, terrible listener, troubled teen, misbehaved, or terrible two year old, begins the portrayal of a problematic identity. The descriptors not only impact the child, but the stress level and hopeless/helpless feelings of those who are using it. It can begin a cycle that involves reinforcement of the problem behaviour. A child may fall into this story about who they are, and feel a sense of rejection by those they seek affirmation from (Marsten, Epston, & Markham, 2016). 

When we see a problem behaviour occurring over and over again, it can be a well intended response to focus all attention on this problem. However, becoming wrapped up and focused solely on the problem may do the opposite of our intention, and grow the problem further. Noticing behaviours or actions that contradict the problem story (also known as a “unique outcome” within the field of Narrative Therapy) may in fact be where the solution lies. This would involve carefully detecting and searching for moments in which the problem is not present. 

If we are to use the example of an eight year old child that is often having tantrums, we may feel that in order to get the tantrums under control we need to focus on them. However when you focus on the moments in which tantrums do not take over the child, certain questions may be asked that provide us with solutions. Some of these questions may include: Were there certain abilities or traits that the child used to stop the tantrum from taking over? Were there certain thoughts that helped them to ignore the feeling of the tantrum coming on? How was the child able to listen to the word no, and go with it? What did the child like about not having a tantrum in that moment? Was there a particular “super power” that helped to get away from the tantrum, or did the child use a certain skill they have?

When this line of questioning is offered and answered, we open up a dialogue that begins to highlight traits, skills, values, strategies, and characteristics within the child, growing and nurturing them further. Through this strategic focus of attention we may stop unfavourable descriptors and stories from developing and taking off around the child, impacting their identity. Instead, we discover and highlight the beautiful characteristics and abilities that exist within each child, and challenge problems with this knowledge. 

As we change the lens we look at problems through, the parental stress level may shift as well. Frustration, guilt, or helplessness that parents may feel as they watch a problem get out of hand can change. In fact a sense of pride is possible, as a parent notices and reflects on the qualities and abilities of their child. Perhaps the parent passed these qualities down genetically or nurtured them within their child. The story that opens up is given further life, influencing all members of a family, and growing through time. 

Reference

Marsten, D., Epston, D., & Markham, L. (2016). Narrative therapy in Wonderland: connecting with childrens imaginative know-how. New York: W.W. Norton and Company.

Written by:

Stacey Boe, M.A., R.C.C.

Uncovering Anger

Uncovering Anger

As we spend time at home, we have an opportunity to focus on, and put into practise certain parenting strategies to effectively address emotional responses. For the purpose of this post, I would like to draw our attention to anger. Anger is often used as a defence emotion, and it becomes essential to then explore what the vulnerable emotion is, triggering the child or individual to put up this defence in the first place. Is the child feeling jealous, lonely, hurt, embarrassed, or frustrated? Opening up the vocabulary of vulnerable emotions can be an important first step to this. It may be obvious what the underlying emotion is, or it may need to be investigated further. This investigation is imperative, as most would respond to anger very differently than they would to emotions such as hurt or fear. If you are responding to the anger in a certain way, your actions may be causing the root emotion (such as hurt) to grow, which may intensify the defence (anger) or increase future outbursts.

During an outburst, identification and validation of the vulnerable emotion separate from the behaviour can move one through their struggle, and quickly de-escalate behaviour. It is important to note that at the height of an outburst, it is not always the time to investigate, as emotion can take over the rational brain, making it more difficult to discuss, identify, and problem-solve. Emotion may need to come down. Circling back and talking about what may have occurred that brought anger on, can build the child’s emotional awareness and problem-solving skills. This can then prevent future outbursts while increasing communication skills and emotional intelligence to address the actual emotion at hand.

Emotion is not wrong, so it is important to validate how a child is feeling even if you disagree with the reasoning of why they are feeling that way. For example, if a child tells you what is wrong by saying: “you love my sister more than me” the goal is to understand what action caused them to think this way, and validate the feeling that came up for them. You can then discuss the circumstance and address the statement. You are challenging and countering the statement, not disqualifying or challenging the emotion they opened up and voiced to you. For example: “It sounds like you’re feeling really hurt. What happened that made a thought like that come in?” Now you are opening up a dialogue to counter or challenge the thought, while allowing them to feel heard. Versus: “that is not true, and is silly to be upset about.” By listening, validating, and even empathizing, you are fostering new skills within the child while strengthening communication and openness within the relationship.  

Written by:

Stacey Boe, M.A., R.C.C.

Reducing Household Stress and Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships

Attachment Theory has become increasingly popular over the years due to the significant benefits found on connections within the family and the growth and development of a child. In society today it can be difficult to prioritize attachment due to the business of work, school, schedules, and structure. 

As isolating within our homes has become a priority, I wanted to bring attachment and relationship building to the forefront to begin part one of four on: Reducing Household Stress and Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships During COVID-19 Isolation.

Child-Directed Play

Parenting activities such as play and reading have shown to decrease parental stress while enhancing the parent-child relationship (Yogman, Garner, Hutchinson, Hirsh-Pasek & Golinkoff, 2018). In fact, Yogman et al (2018) describes play as an antidote to stress, as it has the ability to bring the body’s physiological response or symptoms of stress back down to baseline. Fortunately play and laughter stimulate oxytocin and endorphins for all of those involved, impacting mood and strengthening connection (Markham, 2017). The benefits that play can have on parents as well as children should not be ignored, particularly in times of stress.  

When a parent joins a child in play they are given a glimpse into their communication and needs (Ginsburg, 2007). In fact, often children will express their experiences, observations of the world around them, and even concerns or frustrations through play (Ginsburg, 2007). Parents are offered an opportunity in these moments to provide guidance, nurturing, explanations, and even demonstrations of family values through continued child-directed play. For example, perhaps a child would like to have a tea party with you and stuffed animals/dolls. Incorporating family values and guidance with child-directed play may involve the child directing you where to sit, what you will be eating/drinking, while you may be telling the stuffed animals/dolls to say please and thank you as you hand them their tea. 

The above is a simple example of child-directed play with a young child. That being said, the same benefits can be applied to all ages, including adolescents. In fact, finding the time to connect with your teenager through an activity that they have chosen can have a powerful impact on the relationship. Showing and demonstrating interest in what they are saying or the activities they enjoy shows your care and respect for them. Children who feel a strong sense of connection with their parents want to cooperate and follow their parents lead when they are able to (Markham, 2017). In fact, the reason children are willing to follow rules is based on that connection. Thus growing and nurturing it is imperative, and will ultimately lead to lower levels of stress within the household. 

Fortunately, the changes you see in behaviour when you focus on connection can often be observed rather quickly. For example, your child is acting out all morning and you feel negative emotions growing within you. You decide to take a minute to yourself, take a breath, and then offer 30 minutes of child-directed play in which you are solely focused on the child and their interest. While you do so, you will want to ensure that no distractions are present, including phones or electronics. Take note of how the mood changes. How do emotions shift? What do you learn about your child in that moment? Perhaps they were struggling with a frustration that becomes evident in their play. Perhaps your emotions shift, and you feel something else, something you needed in that moment that was offered to you through embracing connection. 

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds. Pediatrics, 119–182. doi: 10.1542/peds.2006-2697

Markham, L. (2017). 10 Habits to Strengthen a Parent-Child Relationship. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201706/10-habits-strengthen-parent-child-relationship

Yogman, M., Garner, A., Hutchinson, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R. M. (2018). The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children. American Academy of Pediatrics, 142(3), 2018–2058. doi: http://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2018-2058

Written by:

Stacey Boe, M.A., R.C.C.